Be a Star...

Farmer...

"Every atom in our bodies was once part of a star." (Gattaca)

I saw a Star in person today.  She walked down the Graduation aile of Ventura High School's Senior Class of 2011, and as she walked, the effervescent light she gave off was as blinding to my eyes as if I'd stared at the sun.  My oldest, and my one and only daughter, graduated on this date, inside this time continuum of this particular dimension, and it was oh so sweet. So, Bitter-Sweet.

Almost (not quite) 18 years ago, the child that is now an adult passed through the gateway of my tender womanhood, passed by the shaky monuments of my trembling knees, was lifted up into my arms and became her own human being.  And with every moment of her birth I literally prayed (in between the fevered curses that she would hurry the hell out of me)... for her life-long happiness.  I even bargained with the Gods, the Buddha's, the Spirits and whatever power that may be greater than me, that any negative karma this child might have, would bypass her and stick to me. I prayed that I be allowed to take on the debt of her lifetimes, and I happily offered myself to taking it ALL.   I secretly begged for the life of my dearest daughter to be filled with Grace, to be imbued with Hope, to be infused with joyful Laughter, and I prayed that she know the ultimate soul-encompassing meaning of Love.

And, you know what?  So far (for the most part) every prayer has come true.

It was a selfish bargain really.  I mean, seriously, what parent does not want their child to succeed?  What Mother does not want to see her daughter leap up like an offshoot of her own fertile self and witness that her child has sprouted spectacular sunflowers of success surpassing the original plant of her own being?

I am no different than the sea of parents that stood up and clapped at graduation, proud of their child and proud of their accomplishments...because in some small way, those accomplishments are my accomplishments too.  Because in some small way, we (my husband and I) helped it all to happen.  And it is, altogether, an amazing feat.  An amazing journey.  It is a spectacular event to behold.  And as much as I am proud of my daughter, I find I am humbled before the Miracle of Life beyond measure. I am struck to my knees to be a part of it.

Now, my dearest daughter is out partying at Grad Night, and I sit on my front porch typing this note while sipping on a bit of Glinfiddich, and smoking a Cuba Libre (definitely a favorite) and I wonder what my daughter's life will be like as she steps into the world of Adulthood.  I don't think High School really prepares anyone for that.  At least not yet.

The childhood bliss of Senior Prom and Monday Mornings at School after the Facebook gossip of the weekends, the small Political battles between Rivals and the Music of High School plays...these things don't quite prepare a young adult for the Piranha soup that stews in the world, threatening to gobble up one's soul with the least miscalculation.  I tremble in both fear, and in weird anticipation, to watch it all happen (a curious spectator, me)...and I hope...yes, I HOPE, that she will emerge from the feeding frenzy, not only unscathed, but impervious to the teeth.  I HOPE and I pray, she will wear the armor of her life, her love, and her creativity as boldly as the best knights on the battlefield, and that she will leave that field proud...head held high, knowing she truly lived a life that was the best it could be lived.  And that she lived it with LOVE.  That is what I hope.  It is a simple request in words, yet it is a huge thing to hope in reality.

And as my mind, heart and soul contemplate this, I turn my eyes towards my beautiful and radiant son, who at only 13 years, has watched his sister grow, and who has also (unknowingly) soaked up the very same prayers from his watching Mother.  He doesn't know it, but I hope the very same things for him too.  I hope for him.  I pray for him.  And I wait with each passing day for those invocations to the heavens to come true. 

I have never cared at what cost to my self, their happiness.  No price is too high a price to pay for their joy.  No mountain of burden is too great to bear if it means they can fight the fires of the world and emerge unscathed.  Not because they are me, or even a small part of me.  But because they have, in their own turn, taught me how to Love.

~Cin