Bipolar...the Feared Diagnosis...

Up one day, and on top of the world! Down the next, and can barely get out of bed.


Does this sound familiar? Do you deal with erratic highs and lows? Do you have days when you have the energy of three people taking on the world? And do you have days when all you can do is crawl under the covers, hide and cry? If this sounds like you, you might be Bipolar. How do I know? I might be Bipolar too.


How many of us have made fun of the person whose moods seem like a light-switch? They are off one moment staring into space, or irritated and/or angry for no good reason. The next time you see them, they're riding high on the moon, full of optimism and doing two, three or four things at once. I've made fun of such people, when I was younger. When I didn't understand the reason for their weird behavior. Before I understood that these 'tantrums' and 'overboard optimisms' were caused by a physical imbalance. Before I had a name to go with the disorder. And now I know the word for what I once thought was comical. And I understand...because the word just might describe me.


I started counseling a couple of months ago because despite the fact that I felt I was handling my episodes of depression okay, I thought it might be good to have someone to talk to. I'd tried an anti-depressent once in my life (Zoloft) and I hated it. I felt like a zombie, unable to 'feel', unable to 'emote' and I thought the medication just made me numb. Because of that, I quit taking the meds and focused on meditation and exercise and it worked for a while. It worked until I was placed into a job I didn't feel suited for...a job that didn't have anything to do with my multi-thousand dollar education...a job at a desk supervising people I'd rather be friends with.


In this job/position, I couldn't make friends. I had no one to talk to. My boss was, well, my boss. And the subordinates were my subordinates. My one shining light was (and still is) my husband and children, and three close friends who live very far away (Virginia, Georgia and Kansas: You know who you are...). During my counseling sessions, my psychotherapist asked me if I'd ever been diagnosed as bipolar. Given my training as a nurse-practitioner and forensic nurse, I wasn't exactly sure what bipolar was until I went to research it. I took my therapist's question as a gentle push to read and learn more about the disorder. As I read, I thought about my mother's behaviors before she died. She went through highs and lows, erratic spending sprees, she'd tried to commit suicide (two times that I know of), and all of that time I just thought she was a hypochondriac. Maybe she was. But just maybe she was Bipolar.


I've been on Cymbalta the past two months, and the medication has helped to improve my outlook. It's improved my body pain some, only by making me not mind it so much. My muscles and joints still hurt, and I continue to take pain medication, but the pain is still there. The difference is I can deal with it better. My husband says that he can tell a difference in my 'moods' and my attitudes. My mood swings are not so sharp, and I'm more social than I was before. Every now and then, though, I feel my impatience talking with people creep up on me, and I wonder how long this medication will hold out. Will it continue to be effective? Will it stabilize my moods? AM I, as the psychotherapist suggests, Bipolar?


My therapist suggested charting my moods for the day, and I went online and downloaded a "mood" chart. There are several if you Google "Mood Chart" and so if you find yourself having very high "ecstatic" moods and then find yourself feeling so low that only a tow-truck filled with happy elves could pull you out...you just might be Bipolar.


There are two types of Bipolar. Bipolar 1 is a disorder where the person feels 10+ on a scale of good moods and sometimes has delusions of grandeur or other delusions. These people overspend money so much that sometimes they get into trouble with finances and sometimes have legal trouble or very real trouble with coworkers. Their coworker troubles can be so prominent that sometimes the person gets fired or loses their job for other reasons. When a person with Bipolar 1 gets depressed, they may (literally) not get out of bed and spend days in a 'funk' where nothing seems to pull them out.


Bipolar 2 people will notice their "high" moments but they will not be quite so erratic. They'll feel good for a day. Just as good as a 9 or a 10 on a 1-10 scale. On their low days they may say they're at a 1 or a 2. They can still get out of bed, but they may cry alone in a room, into a pillow or in the car. They may struggle from extreme fatigue and feel too tired to do any of the activities they love to do. Then, just like that, they may suddenly feel good again. Ready to go surfing. Ready to go to work, and looking forward to working with people.


If any of this sounds like symptoms you are going through, it may be worth it for you to schedule time with a counselor, and talk about these issues. There may be a name for what you are suffering. A name that I won't make fun of ever again. A name that just might be what I'm suffering from too.


Am I Bipolar?


Bipolar Self Test