Bipolar...the Feared Diagnosis...

Up one day, and on top of the world! Down the next, and can barely get out of bed.


Does this sound familiar? Do you deal with erratic highs and lows? Do you have days when you have the energy of three people taking on the world? And do you have days when all you can do is crawl under the covers, hide and cry? If this sounds like you, you might be Bipolar. How do I know? I might be Bipolar too.


How many of us have made fun of the person whose moods seem like a light-switch? They are off one moment staring into space, or irritated and/or angry for no good reason. The next time you see them, they're riding high on the moon, full of optimism and doing two, three or four things at once. I've made fun of such people, when I was younger. When I didn't understand the reason for their weird behavior. Before I understood that these 'tantrums' and 'overboard optimisms' were caused by a physical imbalance. Before I had a name to go with the disorder. And now I know the word for what I once thought was comical. And I understand...because the word just might describe me.


I started counseling a couple of months ago because despite the fact that I felt I was handling my episodes of depression okay, I thought it might be good to have someone to talk to. I'd tried an anti-depressent once in my life (Zoloft) and I hated it. I felt like a zombie, unable to 'feel', unable to 'emote' and I thought the medication just made me numb. Because of that, I quit taking the meds and focused on meditation and exercise and it worked for a while. It worked until I was placed into a job I didn't feel suited for...a job that didn't have anything to do with my multi-thousand dollar education...a job at a desk supervising people I'd rather be friends with.


In this job/position, I couldn't make friends. I had no one to talk to. My boss was, well, my boss. And the subordinates were my subordinates. My one shining light was (and still is) my husband and children, and three close friends who live very far away (Virginia, Georgia and Kansas: You know who you are...). During my counseling sessions, my psychotherapist asked me if I'd ever been diagnosed as bipolar. Given my training as a nurse-practitioner and forensic nurse, I wasn't exactly sure what bipolar was until I went to research it. I took my therapist's question as a gentle push to read and learn more about the disorder. As I read, I thought about my mother's behaviors before she died. She went through highs and lows, erratic spending sprees, she'd tried to commit suicide (two times that I know of), and all of that time I just thought she was a hypochondriac. Maybe she was. But just maybe she was Bipolar.


I've been on Cymbalta the past two months, and the medication has helped to improve my outlook. It's improved my body pain some, only by making me not mind it so much. My muscles and joints still hurt, and I continue to take pain medication, but the pain is still there. The difference is I can deal with it better. My husband says that he can tell a difference in my 'moods' and my attitudes. My mood swings are not so sharp, and I'm more social than I was before. Every now and then, though, I feel my impatience talking with people creep up on me, and I wonder how long this medication will hold out. Will it continue to be effective? Will it stabilize my moods? AM I, as the psychotherapist suggests, Bipolar?


My therapist suggested charting my moods for the day, and I went online and downloaded a "mood" chart. There are several if you Google "Mood Chart" and so if you find yourself having very high "ecstatic" moods and then find yourself feeling so low that only a tow-truck filled with happy elves could pull you out...you just might be Bipolar.


There are two types of Bipolar. Bipolar 1 is a disorder where the person feels 10+ on a scale of good moods and sometimes has delusions of grandeur or other delusions. These people overspend money so much that sometimes they get into trouble with finances and sometimes have legal trouble or very real trouble with coworkers. Their coworker troubles can be so prominent that sometimes the person gets fired or loses their job for other reasons. When a person with Bipolar 1 gets depressed, they may (literally) not get out of bed and spend days in a 'funk' where nothing seems to pull them out.


Bipolar 2 people will notice their "high" moments but they will not be quite so erratic. They'll feel good for a day. Just as good as a 9 or a 10 on a 1-10 scale. On their low days they may say they're at a 1 or a 2. They can still get out of bed, but they may cry alone in a room, into a pillow or in the car. They may struggle from extreme fatigue and feel too tired to do any of the activities they love to do. Then, just like that, they may suddenly feel good again. Ready to go surfing. Ready to go to work, and looking forward to working with people.


If any of this sounds like symptoms you are going through, it may be worth it for you to schedule time with a counselor, and talk about these issues. There may be a name for what you are suffering. A name that I won't make fun of ever again. A name that just might be what I'm suffering from too.


Am I Bipolar?


Bipolar Self Test

Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Exercise...and Weight Loss

I'm almost 50 years old. In my past I used to run 5 miles a day, and regularly participated in 10k races and other running functions. Several years later, and after the birth of two children, I found my joints giving out. Running caused hip and knee pain and no matter how hard I worked with changing my  running form or how much I tried to rehabilitate my joints... running hurt. I laid off the running for a while and went into weight lifting, and then tried running again, but still the joint pain returned. Weight gain became a constant battle, and I dealt with the endless cycle of dieting to lose weight, running again and regaining the hip pain, stopping running because of the hip pain and then putting on more weight again. It gradually became clear to me that running was an exercise my body needed to stay away from.


Bicycling was another option I tried, and long ago I used to ride professional style bicycles (helmet, pro-shoes, foot clips) and go to and from work with the wind, rain and other elements challenging me. Again, once I got older, I was less likely to want to go out into the elements which reduced the time I would want to spend on a bike. Uphill climbs bothered my knees. Staying on the seat too long bothered my bum, and no matter how much I positioned my body for better mechanics my back began to ache. Bicycling became a 'fair weather' exercise that I didn't do regularly, and then I gained weight which made it harder to cycle.


In an effort to find something to do for exercise I tried elliptical training, theorizing that the pounding of running was causing the hip pain, and hoping that the elliptical training would be a great replacement. After all, the elliptical took away the force from my hips and knees and transferred it into a more circular action. But even with the elliptical machines (and I tried all kinds) after a while my hips and knees would hurt.


Now understand that I'm a member of the military, with 30 years in military/government service, and so being able to remain physically fit is not only a healthy thing to do but it's required for my profession. My yearly performance rating is based on whether or not I pass or fail the physical requirements test (PRT) and whether or not I pass my body fat weight or calculations. I'm 5'8", or 68", and as a female my max allowable body weight is 170 lbs or 34% body fat. Remaining at, or under, that requirement has been a huge source of frustration for me and I've searched and studied for methods that would help me maintain and/or reduce my weight while allowing me to stay physically fit without pain.


In addition to my exercise frustrations, my body started going through episodes where I constantly felt hip and other joint pain regardless of whether or not I exercised. I developed muscle pain in the morning, and extreme fatigue during the day, even if all I'd done was sit at a desk and work for my clinic in the Department Head role that I currently fill. I decided to see a physician because the level of daily pain I felt, regardless of exercise, severely impacted my quality of life. It became difficult to get out of bed, difficult to sleep, difficult to get through the day because of fatigue and pain. I looked at my nutrition (I'm vegetarian) and my nutrition factors were fine. Finally I decided to go to a physician.


It's important to understand that I'm a Nurse Practitioner/Certified Nurse Midwife. I know all about health, and particularly women's health. Still, I couldn't figure out why I was having so much pain, why my levels of fatigue were so astronomical on some days, and I couldn't figure out what I could do for exercise that wouldn't increase my joint pain.


After working with my physician, and undergoing several tests, I found I had osteoarthritis and a negligible amount of rheumatoid factor (that shouldn't be impacting me yet/no inflammation in my joints) and that all of the rest of my labs were absolutely normal. I'd developed some depression because of work and exercise issues, and because of my pain. My physician still continues to rule out other reasons for the pain but thinks I may have fibromyalgia. I take Ultram and Flexiril for pain when I have to, but when I'm at work I try to stay away from the medications because they make me drowsy.


I researched exercises for both arthritis and fibromyalgia patients and found three that seemed to give the most benefit for these type patients. One was yoga, another was Pilates and the last was swimming. To help with my depression and mood swings, my physician prescribed me Cymbalta to take on a daily basis. This helped with my mood/depression (my husband stating he saw a real difference in my demeanor) but it didn't help my joint and muscle pain. What it did was help me 'not mind' the pain so much. It also helped me with my appetite by reducing my constant desire to eat. I'm not sure why it helped, but it did (just a little).


In addition, I joined the YMCA. There are gyms available on the military base, and there's even a pool, but often I leave work at 6PM (18:00 for you military types) and there is no option for late night or weekend swimming there. The YMCA stays open until almost 10PM (22:00) and there's a sauna and other equipment to use in addition to a 25 yard pool. I started swimming almost regularly over the past month and I've noticed a difference in my muscle structure. I've also noticed an overall decrease in my level of body pain as long as I swim 3 to 4 times a week. In between swimming, I try to incorporate a yoga or Pilates class and these also seem beneficial. My pain isn't completely gone, but my weight is slowly coming down and overall I feel better. 


The cost for a family to join the YMCA is $80.00 a month, and though I was worried about the extra financial expense it's been well worth it. I try to spend less on carbonated beverages (soda) to help defray the cost, and I've had the added enjoyment of my son coming with me to swim laps at the pool. I'll often go swim around 7:30-8:00PM (19:30-20:00) and if I have a late night at work I can swim as late as 21:45 or 9:45PM. Both the base gym and the YMCA also offer yoga and Pilates classes and so I can structure core strengthening exercises and stretching into my weekly routine as well.


If you are struggling with weight loss and whole body pain, this workout option may suit you well. If you aren't used to swimming, many YMCA's offers free adult swimming classes once a week. The key to improving your swim is constant practice. I've used You-Tube videos to learn about how to swim better and discovered a variety of swimming 'drills' that work various parts of the body and help improve swim stroke.


In the end, you'll need to find out what works for you and your body but perhaps this method will help you along. I keep a diet of fresh fruits and vegetables and drink plenty of water, and maintain a lean protein intake which consists mainly of tofu, seitan/tofu meat products and a variety of beans. Sometimes I have eggs and/or cheese but it's rare. For my sweet treats I try to get fresh berries or melon at the store and every now and then I do love my oatmeal raisin cookies. And chocolate? Oh yes, I still have the occasional chocolate (dark 75% or more) but I don't crave it as much as I used to.


If this article helped you, or if you have questions, please feel free to refer it to your friends and/or ask me questions. I'll be happy to respond. Until then, keep the faith and keep trying to find what works best for you and your pain and/or fatigue. One of the BEST ways to deal with it is to become involved in your own health care and search for the answers that eventually help you improve your daily life and be happy.  :)  And most of all: Never give up. Keep moving forward.

Writing in the Information Age...

It used to be that a writer sat down with pen and paper in hand, or maybe s/he pulled a chair up to a cozy typewriter and the writer scribbled or pounded away at story pieces in the wee dark hours. Writers still spend hours writing, although now we have computers, Word documents and spell check, and writing has become so much easier for us. Or has it?


Thirty to forty years ago, when a writer hit a mental block or couldn't breach the wall of a plot or story-line, there was little to do except maybe turn on the television, read a book or head out to a bar or a late night diner for inspiration. Today, computers wired in to the Internet provide writers with a number of distractions to pull him or her away from the unwritten page. There's facebook and Twitter and a host of community websites. There's online games, video games, Netflix and Clicker.


Mired in a quicksand of unproductive thought? There's Farmville and many other cyber-games that can pull you away from your writing task at hand, and there's nothing to stop you except the writing deadline that either your publisher, your agent and you yourself have imposed.


Don't get me wrong. There are endless benefits to the Internet for a writer. Social media sites allow an author to promote their novels and allow infinite connections with other writers, readers and potential publishers. But it is ever so easy to be pulled into the cyber-world and put off that novel unless you learn to set limits and craft a personal schedule.


Writing requires thought and time, and for some it demands a great deal of research into topics both familiar and foreign. Writing is a process. And it doesn't happen with incessant blogging, tweeting and facebook chats. In order to pump out those words that will eventually be your completed work, you need to devote time and effort toward it, but how do you do that? I say the answer lies in learning how to unplug. Consider cutting the time you spend on the Internet. If you have a hard time doing this, then just shut your Internet off for a certain period of time on your computer. Each day, set time aside some time just for writing, and DO NOT turn the wireless on, or plug in, until you've achieved your desired word count, or until you've written for a certain number of minutes.


If you hit a wall, or run into that feared 'writer's block'... take time to read your manuscript from beginning to end, or choose a few chapters you know will galvanize you. Or better yet take a trip to the bookstore (alone), and go through magazines that deal with the topic on which your plot or subject is built. Science Fiction crafters will find a world of great ideas in Popular Mechanics or Popular Science, and other genre writers will find much the same in their genre style magazines. Bring a pen and paper to the bookstore, or your i-Pad or computer. Buy that cup off coffee, sit down and read and when you've got some good ideas start writing them down. Do NOT turn on the Internet. Do NOT answer the phone. Set aside time for yourself and for practicing your craft and you'll find that the words WILL come, and the ideas will flow, and you won't be mired in the muck of Internet traffic. Instead, you'll be on your way to finishing your piece and you'll be proud of the work you did that day.


As for me, after sitting to write this short piece, I'm turning of my wireless and getting back to my novel. I try to set aside two twenty-minute intervals with a ten minute break in between to stand up, stretch and/or do some research, then off goes the Internet once again. I finish another twenty minutes and by the time I'm done I end up with a five to ten pages of useful material. The journey of 100,000 words begins with that first word, but you'll never make it if you stop and camp out on a page for too long. Keep on crafting. Keep on writing.  And know that with a little self discipline you will achieve your goal, and you'll be proud that you did.

Seeing Impermanence in Action...

My son turned 14 years old today. Birthday's are milestones we (as humans) set up in order to quantitatively measure age. And although I don't take much stock in human systems, I feel time slipping away as he grows older. My daughter is already eighteen years old. And now my son is fourteen. And it's cliche' to say it was just yesterday that I held my children in my arms, and danced with them across the floor as I nestled their small bodies against my chest. Days of Santa Claus, Easter Bunnies, and hunting for fairies in Luray Caverns are long gone. Games of hide and seek, and tickle-fests, and rides in a red wagon hunting for little gravel rocks to collect as "ammo" are obsolete.

The modern version of my son glides on skateboards, and leaps high on a BMX bike which he is way too tall for.  I'm 5'8" and he towers above me. Towers over his father. And my son loves every minute of it. And instead of little gravel rocks, my boy plays with air-soft guns and games online with others in "Modern Warfare."

He texts girls on his cellphone. Often. After they text him.

My son's pants always seem too short no matter how many new pairs we buy him. The bottom of the legs ride up beyond his ankles, and I wonder how many of his friend's parents have looked at him, and his pants, and said, "Can't his mother afford to buy him new clothes?" Which, at the rate he is growing...no I can't.

I never knew motherhood could be so complex. The feelings, the worries, the number of things in the world a parent has to constantly keep up with...  I never knew it could be so joyful, and so (ultimately) rewarding. And it's odd, because I stare at this young man in my house, and still get flashes of the time he jumped off the diving board when he was five, and could barely swim, and landed with a solid belly flop only to come up sputtering and ask to do it again. And those flashes cause an odd mix of pleasure and pain like that little jolt of electricity that bites you when you accidentally get shocked from an errant wall socket. Part of you wants to move on and not do it again, but another part of you wants to try it just one more time...

And as my son sleeps this morning, (probably until noon because he more than likely stayed up until two A.M. playing "Modern Warfare" with his friends), I can't help but wonder what tomorrow will bring? Will he stay healthy? Will he grow much taller? What will he decide to become in the future? And when will he bring his first girlfriend (or boyfriend) home to meet me?

Oh, I know worrying about the future is as useless as wishing I could change the past, but I wonder more than I worry. I wonder, and I pray with all the energy I have that each day for him is a better one, and that his mistakes are few but result in a developing awareness and kind understanding toward himself. I pray that my son learns something useful each moment he treads the path of life, and that he values humanity, love and the joy of giving.  There are so many things I wish for him. So much I would give if I could, but the greatest gift of all that I can hand to him is that of gently guiding him to the person he was meant to be. A person who I am sure will make a difference in this world, and a good one at that.

A Visit to Scary Dairy...

Scary Dairy

            Scary Dairy is located near University Drive in Camarillo, California, near the California State University of Channel Islands.  It’s in an odd hilly region near the ocean and close to Point Mugu Navy Base, and surrounded by some agricultural fields on one side. There are no main buildings in sight, and the area is devoid of anything that appears urban.
            The place is located near what was once the Camarillo State Hospital, a mental institution and it was supposedly a dairy farm and/or a slaughter house. After the place burned down a few years ago, it was renamed “Scary Dairy” by the locals. It’s rumored that a number of murders occurred on the grounds, but now it seems to be more like a place for University plebes and graffiti artists to hang out.

            I traveled there Saturday morning (September 17th) with my daughter. It was my second attempt to find the place. Luckily, on our first pass near the main University road, there was a gate that was open which I hadn’t noticed before.  We turned down the dirt road, and passed a group of people flying model planes and helicopters at the Model Airplane Landing Strip, then rounded a bend of trees, and there stood a dilapidated barn and a low white structure just beyond that.

            It probably didn’t help that we visited during daylight hours, although the sky was gray and overcast, but the place didn’t seem very scary. It had more of an artistic feel to it.  The falling, rotting barn was missing several metal panels, but on almost every bit of wood and aluminum sheeting still attached to the frame, there were a number of interesting pieces of graffiti artwork.

            When we traveled into the main building, large holes in the walls and burnt wooden beams above made the place just a bit eerie. There were concrete troughs, such as those that might have been used for feeding cattle. I imagine if I’d been out there alone at night I might have found the experience quite unsettling, but my daughter and I took pictures and talked with a photographer that was there taking shots of the building. It was obvious from some of the artwork that local fraternities and sororities used this place occasionally, but as I looked out on the strangely vacant hills that surrounded the structure I could only imagine what types of nefarious activities might have once occurred here. I've added some pics below for you to get a feel of the place.

“The purpose of learning is growth, and our minds, unlike our bodies,

can continue growing as long as we live.”

~Mortimer J. Adler

Well, Adler obviously didn't know me.  My body continues to grow.  Sometimes out, and sometimes in ink.  

Yesterday was my daughter's 18th birthday and together we went to get Mom and Daughter ink at "High Class Tattoo" (A little shop just above the Biker Bail Bonds suite). We even prayed over the ink before the artists began!

Kira's tattoo took just under two hours, and mine took a little over two, or one "G.I. Jane" flick, from beginning to end. What a great day!

"One of the greatest things about the sport of surfing is that you need only three things:

your body, a surf-board, and a wave."

~Naima Green

This past weekend was precious. My son, for a change, didn't have the plethora of friends over to visit and "game" on the PS3. In his lonliness, and perhaps (I hope) in his desire to spend time with "Mom", he joined me in surfing. It was the BEST weekend for catching waves. A southern swell was coming through, and the gusty winds of summer had fizzled down to a gentle breeze. The water was clear and glassy, and the waves were perfect for medium sized boards and folks who just wanted to play and have fun.

My son, true to his word, got up out of bed before his normal noon rise and climbed into the van with me to head out to Mondos. The beach was packed with early-bird surfers, and vacationing families, and finding a place to park was challenging. We pulled the van up to a spot, a quarter mile from the rocky coastal entrance, and got out to pull on our wetsuits. Sean's summer growth meant he was tall and lean, so his wetsuit fit around him but the ankle portion which once came down to his feet, now rose high above his ankles...a funny sight to see. And bittersweet.

We grabbed our boards, and hiked to the sand, and in moments we were paddling out to the curling water.  There was a time when paddling was difficult for him, and when the sight of a four foot wave coming towards him made him feel anxious. No more. This time he paddled past me, flashing by like a dolphin, and we pushed past the breakers where the waves pounded and foamed to the stillness of the sea.  We waited a few minutes, our eyes on the horizon, then the sets started coming. Taking time to choose the best of the oncoming water, we spun our boards towards shore paddling like maniacs and enjoyed the feel of the ocean lifting us, carrying us, side by side. So many waves!  We rode together and fell together and tumbled in the swirl of Mother Natures fluids. Laughing, snorting saltwater, tangled in seaweed, or hanging on for dear life as the white water thundered and took us towards shore, we LIVED life those hours. Present moment.

Near noon, cold and hungry, we returned to the van and rinsed off with the jug of warm water I'd brought. Afternoons were lazy as I read and did homework while he 'gamed' on the Internet, and then near dusk we went to the park and skateboarded. I'd just bought a "Kahuna board", a long skateboard where the rider pushes with a stick to keep momentum, and he taught me the nuances of skateboarding with it. Over a mile we skated, Saturday and Sunday, and the evening return to home was filled with rock music and 'cruising' down the street with windows open and music pumping base so hard the doors shuddered. I was a kid again...a big kid with my son.

I've made a deliberate imprint of this memory on my brain. This precious time before other girls take over his life. This time of laughter, and gangly innocence. The weekend is over, but I will remember that he enjoyed the company of his aging Mom, enjoyed sharing the water, and teaching me to roll over concrete as easily as we surfed waves. I will remember we laughed. Oh, how we laughed. And played. And together, we were young.